EMBARRASSING FACTS FROM MY PAST (MIDDLESCHOOL)

1. THE BOY I LIKED HAD TO TELL ME MY FLY WAS DOWN.

He was really popular, cute and his parents were super religious. He was kind and courageous. In fifth grade he sang Faith Hill's "This Kiss" in front of the whole class. LIKE WHO DOES THAT? He would come to my house to take guitar lessons from my mom and I would dramatically lay outside on the lawn like a desperate housewife. He once showed me this note a girl who liked him gave to him and I felt so special and then in my head was all "WHAT THE HEY? YOU AND I AREN'T A THING?"

Haha,

We were so not a thing.

But one day I remember him trying to tell me something. He said "Your barn door is open." I'm like "I'm sorry my WHAT NOW?" Then he pointed at my crotch.

We're married now.

JK. He's a doctor.




2. EVERYONE SAW MY BLUE UNDIES ONE TIME.

I remember this well. I was leaning over the table and it was that period in your life where your mom still buys your underwear for you. They were blue (and big enough to be compared to the moon, apparently). I guess everyone behind me could see them. Someone shouted out "FULL MOON TONIGHT."

Kids are total jerks.

Later a boy named Derek came up to me to assure me he was not laughing at my underwear. YEAH RIGHT, DEREK.




3. I VOMITED WORDS AT THAT DEREK GUY.

I was sharpening my pencil and I overhear Derek say to Jessica "What did you do this weekend?"

And I blurt out "WHITNEY HAD A PARTY."

I just WALTZED into their conversation like they would care.

It got super weird - SUPER FAST. They just stared at me blankly for 15 seconds then continued their conversation. TO THIS DAY, I feel like an idiot about that one.

The reason I blurted it out was because Kristi-Lynn was at that party and I was PRETTY SURE Derek liked Kristi-Lynn. I saw him chatting her up HARD in the hallway one day while I was secretly eating a PB&J next to "Peanut Allergy Alyssa." (She was such a faker.) So in my head I was doing him a FAVOUR. You know, letting him know what social circles his crush hangs out in.

BACKFIRED.

I had to try. After all, he didn't laugh at my underwear.

OR SO HE CLAIMS.